Humor

In the year of our Lord 32 AD, all the cats and dogs in the world assembled in the Roman marketplace and listened to the wisdom of the Fat Cat and Doogie Dog, senior senators of the feline and canine species. Both of these animals described torturous acts that had been inflicted on their limbs, specifically their paws, and warned that more would follow in the ensuing years.

And sure enough by medieval times, give or take a century, cats and dogs were dragged by their collars and leashes into the gallows, which for them was a cutting table in…

Humor

Since I’ve opened my first can, which is a long time ago because I hate to cook, and cans are lots handier for meal preparation, I’ve been warring with electric can openers. It wasn’t an almost electrocution that soured me on electric can openers. It was something more subtle.

The basic problem is that electric can openers never seem to grip the lid of the can firmly, and if they grip the lid, it’s only for a few seconds and then the lid falls away from the metallic mechanism that crunches the lid open. …

Humor

Attention intel agencies: aliens do more than read

This week a robot engineered by NASA; and costing billions of dollars landed on Mars and is transmitting back data about the surface of this planet. What scientists are interested in mainly is if it could sustain life. Water is necessary for life, and I believe scientists have seen clues that water exists.

Of course at this point, at least, no aliens have been detected, but there are tons of theories that they do exist. Judging by old and new coverups in New Mexico and Arizona, people suspect aliens are on Mars…

Humor

I just noticed the other day that I haven’t taken a bath in about 20 years. It’s true. All I take are showers. So why the big to-do about luxurious bathrooms with sunken tubs/saunas with separate toilets and dressing rooms, bidets, and toilets for two? Realtors say these amenities are what sell a house. If this is true, then there are a lot of people who just like looking at this stuff but not using it.

They want to brag about the spacious, elegant, marble-inlaid tub that has seven relaxing speeds and can massage your pecs, lads, abs, and whatever…

Humor

Have you noticed lately how awful your penmanship is? I have. I attribute it to the ubiquity of computers. What else could it possibly be? Penmanship requires fine motor skills, and computers don’t give a fig whether your “a’s” look like “o’s” or you merge cursive with print. Which is why your fine motor skills are atrophying even as you read this article.

That’s not the worst thing about computers. Using computers gives you an inflated sense of your own worth. You think everything you write down in Word is better than it really is. …

Humor

When geek meets seek

You may remember if you follow my writings on Medium — and you really ought to — that I contracted with Best Buy’s Geek Squad to come to my house and transfer the software from my Lenova sicko computer that was in terminal keyboard failure to my new pristine and wonderfully healthy HP.

The contract that I agreed to was $100 for a 100GB transfer. It sounded like a lot of money to me, but I consented to this anyway because (a) I’m stupid-scared when it comes to computers; and (b) I think anything over twenty…

Humor

Tortures of the flesh

You arrive for your once-a year dermatology appointment late. That is your first mistake, and for this you will pay heavily. Somehow the nice young man you spoke to earlier this morning chattered a bit too quickly for your tastes and didn’t fully articulate his words. You may have missed something. Perhaps something crucial.

More importantly he did not explain that your dermatologist, whom you have not seen since last year at this exact time, relocated her office from Point A to Point B. …

Humor

Who’s been sleeping in my bed?

There isn’t a dog or cat on the face of the earth that doesn’t enjoy snuggling in a cuddler, a piece of pet furniture that is as relaxing as it is varied. They come in diverse colors and shapes, but generally are circular or oval and made of cheap polyester. Or perhaps celeb pet lovers like Oprah and Ellen DeGeneres custom make them in silks and satin with a touch of fake mink. I know I’d do that if I had unlimited funds.

The kitchen, which is the hot meeting spot for my pets…